The words, as I went out the door, were "it's not going to rain tonight so enjoy your daughter's game". Once my foot hit the sidewalk in the open air of "after work", I cringed, shook my head ever so gently and thought to myself, "ya, now it's going to rain for sure". With an extra lift in my step, thanks to the coffee that my "fine figure of a man" brought me at 4:10 p.m., I left the office to proceed on with my day.
The drive home surprised me. Emotions of that magnitude don't hit me very often. As the tears spilled over my lower lids, I had a feeling of grief that threatened to over take me. But I've been there before. It's no stranger. Thankfully, my first line of attack is to not panic, not run. Grief has become a friend. A friend I have shaken hands with and have embraced. As I allowed the wave to crash the shore, I had a strong feeling that a layer of grief was being shucked free.
This morning during the wee hours, thoughts of the consistencies in our lives scrolled through my mind like the reel of a movie theatre. So many things stayed constant.
We always ate homegrown beef, had dinner around the table with the family, loved Giants baseball and talked of basketball often, we raised a garden, fished in the summer and hunted bucks in the Fall. We did things we loved and made every attempt to do what we should. We worked, we played, we loved and argued. Power struggles came and went. We moved, settled, and moved again. The boys raised pigs and heifers and warm summer nights were spent caring for, preparing and getting ready for the big county fair. Backyard baseball, harvesting vegetables and walks down the lane were constant. Cousins, aunts and uncles. Grandparents, constant. There were picnics at the "camp" during the summer and winter. Basketball games in the front room. Holidays were festive and the ocean, a family vacation favorite. We were spontaneous and adventurous. There was lots of love in this family of five with a knowledge that we could grow, encompass and enfold special ladies into our constant, loving family.
My thoughts included a wonderment of why this movie played for me on this day. Maybe the upcoming weekend sparked more memories than I could fit into my daily basket. I wonder if it is God's way of reminding me of what it was really like while raising a family, our family. God's gift.
So although there are a lot of days when the constant feeling doesn't feel right and I don't really know as much as I think I do, it's amazing when it God "stirs up by way of reminder" and places hope in the recesses of my memories.
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