Hearts Rushed

It's that sort of a day that presses.  Presses through to the very inner part of the soul.  A day that says, don't leave me to my thoughts.  The wind is felt.  Passing through at a rate of speed too quick to comprehend.

He caught the door for me.  He rarely looks me in the eyes.  If he does, it's fleeting.  I asked him how he was doing.  "Good".  Standard answer.  That's what I asked him, if it was his standard answer.  He knew what I meant.  He agreed that it was indeed.  Our eyes met and I told him it was mine too.  The loss in his life is no doubt fresh.  I wondered if he has anyone he could talk to. Talk about how it really feels to be without. 

My "fine figure of a man" proposed a "coffee date" this morning.  Ya know.  Leave earlier than early and grab a coffee drink on the way to work.  His intentions were sweet.  He was hoping to start this day in a special way so as to help alleviate the sting.  Today was probably a sit on the couch, photo albums in hand, day.  Instead, we pushed through. Knowing that grieving seems to be easier when in full motion.  So as not to be sedentary with thoughts that overwhelm. 

We sat at the kitchen table that same evening. We had dished our tacos and there we sat.  For a moment, the sadness overwhelmed us.  The depth of our pain was shared, as were our tears.  For me, it was an unexpected anniversary of our "heart day".  The unexpectedness of the overwhelming feeling of loss rushed our hearts.  

We've learned so much.  We've learned that the ebb and flow of grief will never leave us.  The waves that wash the shore are at times gentle and lap at the soul in light motion.  We've learned that the habits we have during those days can help the days when the relentlessness of the pounding surf crashes our hearts over and over.  We've learned that talking about what we're feeling is painful yet in many ways acts as a cleansing agent.  We've learned to be patient and kind during these especially tough moments.  May sound crazy but I feel blessed that we learned on that anniversary date to cry together. 

A few days later, at work, I had a conversation with a young lady who lost her dad about a year ago.  The conversation was deep, encouraging and sweet.  This same polite, sad, look you in the eye fleetingly boy, was about to meet with her.  There we were, three people with loss so deeply embedded in our lives.  We quickly came to he conclusion that the journey is long but it is encouraging that there are others walking the same path. Others who know but say little.  And through a brief contact of the eyes, it is felt. And in that same moment I realized, again, that God puts people in our lives for a reason and the patchworkness of life may be unseen to the untrained heart but these divine moments are important.