Double Down

Double down.  For reformed Black Jack players like me.  To double down means to split a pair to create two winnings hands.  For instance....if you have two aces in your hand and the dealer has, lets say, a 3 showing it would be beneficial and possibly profitable for you to lay them both down, face up, and double your bet.  The dealer plays upon your instruction.  Hit or Stay.  Obviously the purpose is to come as close to 21, without going over.  Additionally, if you don't go over and the dealer has a face card hidden she will have to take a "hit".  What you are hoping is that you had taken the perfect cards for your hands and she ends up with another face card.  Busted.  Yeah!!!  Everyone on the table is happy because most people win when the dealer busts. 

 

So where in the world was I going with that one?  Double down?  Ha Ha. 

 

My "fine figure of a man" and I went with boss Mike to the lake.  Ya.  And?

 

No, no.  You don't understand.  It's cold on the lake in late October.  So, why?  Why would you go?  Evidently hunting from a boat is legal.  So we did.  In fact, this is our Second Annual "hunt the ever elusive buck from a boat".    It's kind of like when a redneck collides with the bayou.  It'd be a great episode for Duck Dynasty.

 

Because of the cold air that chills to the bone, I felt it was a day for "double down".  I literally wore my down vest and the brown down coat my family has forbidden me to wear in public.  My sista made that coat when she was in high school.  It was a frost line kit and she seared every edge with a candle, pieced it together in a professional manner, stuffed it with down and waa laa!  Although not a coat of many colors like Joseph's, it's pretty comfy and makes me feel warm and fuzzy when I wear it.

 

Okay, back to the boat hunt.  Going 40 mph in a boat over lake at 7 am can get pretty chilly.  Not that we were in a hurry but you don't want to miss anything.  So as we round the hillside go to into a cove, the shadow side of the lake arm draws your attention.  Easier to look at than a sunny slope we all viewed the steep embankment, searching.  The lake is seriously low right now.  So we stayed where the deepness was obvious.  My "fine figure of a man" and I looked at each other and agreed it is best to stay in deep water.  Where deep calls to deep. 

 

 The day, eventful.  41 doe.  But not profitable.  0 buck.

Fun, relaxing.  I fought the urge to jump in like you're supposed to do when you go to the lake.  Brought back a lot of memories of ski boats, patio boats, spo-lashing, just plain ol' fun in the sun with family and friends. 

 

So we'll call it a new adventure. 

One we haven't shared with any of our children. 

Unique to us. 

 

If Ever

If ever there was a day that the Lord hath made.  Maybe today.  Friday.  The day we all had been looking for.  After a few weeks of so much activity, both good and not so.  Today was the day.

As I gazed out the window from my office I saw the trees in the next door neighbors yard.  These trees could be described as my dear friend recently sang, "and the trees dripped of butterscotch".  Pretty good description of the golden locust trees all over town.  The branches droop groundward as the leaves turn an amazing golden color.  On a day like today, chilly morning, warm afternoon, trees know the signal.  The downward rain of leaves float toward their destination as gently as a baby's breath.  The carpet of color that covers the ground in a very serious manner says that the cold nights will extend into the depth of the day. 

A day special.  The 34th anniversary of the birth of my dear friend Jenn.  Wanna go to lunch?  Naw!  I just want to walk.  Walk, talk, speak of the wonders of the Lord.  So walk we did.  The trees are still doing their thing.  More beautiful than ever. 

On my way to pick up my "fine figure of a man" from work, I looked in my rear view mirror.  The town, in all its color and majesty was highlighted in this "rear view".  For two days I have noticed the color, texture and beauty of this small little town in Fall time color.  The view from the rear view mirror was a gentle reminder that when looking upon past things, past memories, past life, it can be seen as beautiful with the different textures and colors of events past. 

So as Fall comes to an end and as the leaves "fall" quietly to the ground, remember that all things pass away.  Not because we want them to but because that is how God created.

Exhale

 

Celebrating a birthday for two weeks is a lot of fun.  This year was a big one for me and my family made every effort to make it special.  Tanner and Michelle came down the weekend before and we celebrated to the fullest.  They showered me with love and affection, with my favorite dessert but mostly their presence.  My "fine figure of a man" made another one of my favorite desserts for the day of my big day and my friend made the frosting for this decadent treat.  My Arizona boy sent flowers with a card that didn't say "wish I was with you on this day" but I know that's what it meant.  The visits, calls, texts and facebook messages were amazing and my co-workers gave me a card with some very nice things said, cheesecake and flowers.  Two teachers from the high school prompted a group of DHS students in a round of "Happy Birthday" with a clap and a twist.  By the end of the week I was pretty tired but I knew I had a quick trip to the Napa Valley for a celebratory wine tasting to toast a new half a century.  The weekend was flanked by sisters (hubby and brother-in-law ((thanks for putting up with us)) and done in Rutherford Grill style.  My darlin' sweetie even made sure I had a new top to wear.  We stomped grapes, left our footprint to signify absolutely nothing but fun.  Toasted the years gone by, memories, the future, hopes and dreams.  We spoke of our lives in Christ and in a moment of prayer, prayed for the wisdom that comes only from Him.

 

 

In 1963, October 17th, my mom was 27 and dad was 30 when I was born into this world.  Pretty sure I was welcomed home with open arms from my four older sisters.  Pretty sure that I was a lucky little girl to be so loved by this wonderful family.  Exhale.  This is all part of the exhale I am experiencing today from the whirlwind of emotions of a birthday that was so outwardly wonderful but contains the need for an exhale when I think of the wonderfulness that is missing. 

Pretty sure that my life experiences leave no hollowness to my years of life and experience.  They seem full, they seem real, they seem to be bigger than I can even absorb.  The hollowness I feel is far within and can only be reached when my deepest feelings gurgle to the surface.  Faith.  That's where faith like a mustard seed comes in.  Hope.  Hope for eternity.

Tomorrow night my mom wants to cook me a birthday dinner.  To celebrate with the first people here on this earth who held me, coo'd over me and loved me.  What could be better.  As the month of me comes to a close, I'll take another long, deep exhale to clear this event from my "another celebration" time line without my boy.  But as everything so far, I know it'll be okay.

Missed....

Today a girl came to school late.  She wasn't the only late comer but the fact that she had a huge smile on her face was noteworthy.  Today she had her braces taken off.  Amidst her smile that seemed to span her entire face, ear to ear, she beamed.  Noteworthy?  I couldn't help but think that my boy missed out.  He missed out on the day he would get his braces removed.  He missed running his tongue over his teeth in remembrance wonder of how that had felt.  He missed eating sticky, gooey stuff without the worry of a broken wire.  He missed looking at himself in the mirror for way too long, checking himself out at every angle.  He missed just the plain happiness that comes with a day like that.

The things he missed come to mind often.  Football senior night.  The first rally of his senior year.  Seeing how far he could take a speech contest and so on and so forth.  The list could go on for a very long time. 

Part of the grieving process is writing down a list of the things lost by those left behind.  My list not only is comprised of my own losses but my thoughts always spill over to the losses of others.  Maybe that's not fair and I should stick to my own list but it happens.  Possibly when I think about what he missed, I am really thinking that I also missed out.

So I began to think about what he didn't miss.  Partial government shutdown, earthquakes, southern storms, Dodgers in the playoffs, sadness, the last days and momma gettin' older than dirt. 

Life

"Can you do me a favor mom?"  The words to this momma's heart.  Realizing that the need of mom becomes less frequent as they grow up, I will enjoy the moment.

Tonight my "fine figure of a man" and I met a new little person.  He is an adorable little baby boy with ten perfect fingers and ten sprawled out toes.  The dark thick hair that covers his head reminds me of my youngest son at his birth.  This precious little one didn't mind that I held him while his siblings seemed to each take a turn at touching his head and feeling his fineness but when momma came into the room -- he knew.  I was amazed at how easy he was to console and loved how easily he found his fingers to fill the immediate need.

Almost 19 months ago when we laid to rest our youngest, this same momma was expecting her last.  After the memorial service, she came up to me and we shared a friends embrace.  I'll never forget the feeling of hugging this dear momma.  I could feel her tummy and the life that grew within.  She said something unforgettable.  She said she was sorry and that he was a dear boy.  She said he was the kind of boy she prayed her daughters would marry someday.  Gone.  So sad to see him go. 

Tender, that was a tender moment.  Where sadness and sorrow collided, two new baby boys have been born and now...Life. 

You're How Old?

They showed up with celebration on their minds.  Prepared.  Without a doubt, they knew how to make this momma happy.  Presence.  Their presence was the key.  But they went a few steps further.  A square balloon that said "You're How Old?" (like they didn't know), a chocolate cream pie, bottle of wine, and a card heavy with love.  This momma felt celebrated! 

The accommodations are a bit cramped when they visit but they don't seem to mind.  An air mattress in the living room isn't what we pictured for our married couple but it is what it is none the less.  Good night John Boy, good night Mary Sue Ellen.  Quite the cozy family.  I'm thinking it will make us even more ready for a real house when the time comes.

Saturday morning was spent on the hill above one of our most favorite hiking trails.  Quietly sneaking along in search of the ever elusive buck. The snow that fell that morning was like soft clumps of manna sporadically raining down.   Standing up on a high peak, overlooking the vast earth that stretched out before us, I was thankful that I was with family in the crisp mountain air.  

Back home, the four of us set out to get ready for the family October, outside wedding.  Here at Camp One Bathroom, it was a bit of a challenge but we made it to the wedding, umbrellas in hand to witness the reunion of Jenn and Trevor.  It was a beautiful wedding with a shower of blessings falling upon them, literally, it rained.  As the guests huddled under trees, tall heaters, umbrellas and the eves of the house, no one seemed to mind the inclimate weather as a Scott Valley wedding is an event not to be missed.

Well fed, highly visited, wet and cold, it was time to go home.  We spent quality time with a Heinz 57 bunch of cards.  Pinochle. 

Today, as they prepared to head north to their home and puppy, Tanner made it a point to say that they enjoyed the card games while beating us 2 out of 3 times.  But who's counting?  As always, good company, good food, good times and lots of love.  Thanks for coming!

A Stillness

In the dark morning stillness, He calls.  In the chaos of the day, He calls.  Listen.  It's like the wind in the high mountain tree tops.  A constant rush of breeze.  The longing to be in His presence.  The feeling of His presence.  It's the knowing that pain and sorrow is bathed by His presence.  Bathed to ease and medicate.  To release the sting out of the hurt.

Yesterday was messy.  It lacked honor, stung with insult, bared it's unruly ugliness.  I found myself in the middle of more than I could process and with a feeling void of fortitude to push through.  But arise I did.  Not by myself, mind you.  He pushed me to a point of dealing.  Dealing with what was set before me.  Dealing with all that I had from the time my sleepy toes touched the carpeted bedroom floor.

Clarity that comes with anxiety so high that helium balloons can't even reach.  Feelings that with God all things are possible.  Reached only by the inaudible prayers of a soul who has seen messy and lived to breath the unmentionable to others.

The prayers for the lost and uncertain cannot go unheard.  Never unheard.  In the shallowness of the alive.  Near.  Just listen.  You'll hear.

 

 

To Share

Many ways to share. 

You can:

share a meal

share while in conversation with a friend

your heart <3

share a large bag of flour

share eggs

share tomatoes

share homemade jerky

share a ride

share advise

share an ear

share a story

share the love of Christ

share your day

share a happy moment

share sorrow

share with honesty

Mercy Me

Lights of color gently filtered through the smoke filled stage.  Faith and hope.  Ever present. The toe tappin', body swaying, lift your hands up high instrumental accompanying is the top icing. Words are just words until they speak of the greatness of God and the wonders of his grace and love.

It was a crisp, clear night.  Nipping cold settled upon us about half way through the concert but was combated by our movement and worshiping.  I was struck by the freedom.  Freedom to listen to the good words and fine sounds in any fashion you wish.  Freedom to come to Christ, bearing all.  Good, bad or indifferent.  Grace and Mercy the message. 

It was a great way to start a weekend.  Especially this weekend.  My "fine figure of a man" went to the hills with a friend.  A huntin' they would go.  Never mind that this was the first time we have been apart since the untimely departure of our young son.  We both acknowledged that this was a giant for us.  Time for more growth and more healing.  We're good with that. 

I spent yesterday with a friend.  She taught me how to use a pottery wheel and I was a great assistant soap maker.  She's a talented lady with many interests.  Spiritually she calls to the hearts of the young and old and her many years of ministry is evident in her stillness.  Don't get the wrong, she's never "still".  Movement.  Lots of movement.  But still.  Inside where it counts. 

As I drove home from church today, the red Fall color has exploded in amazing fashion.  There is no doubt that rain and freezing weather is well worth the beauty displayed.  As the yellows follow close behind, this Fall will prove, once again, to show the Holy array of God.

My Cutsie Girl

My sister texted me a picture today.  The Pennington Family puppy, wearing a pair of sunglasses.  Not just any glasses, Emma Grace's sunglasses.  Mariah (my niece) and Emma (my great niece) made the long trek from Mississippi to Oregon in September.  During their visit they came to Scott Valley.

Long story short.  Mariah was a frequent visitor in Scott Valley as a child.  Although she never lived in this majestic place we all home, Mariah loves Scott Valley.   She was basically raised along side of our boys, just part of the crew.  I'll never forget one of the times she was at our house.  She was a bit older and her visits were fewer and further between.  I had to go to the store.  No one wanted to travel the 4.5 miles with me so I went alone.  The memory is when I got home.  I walked in the kitchen to put away the groceries I had just purchased and heard the low hum of the dishwasher.  Someone had started the dishwasher while I was gone.  Yep.  You guessed it.  It was my "cutsie girl".

When tragedy struck the heart of Scott Valley, Mariah brought her family and came to a place where happy memories abound.  To be near.  Her family, so important.  Through the loss and pain, there was comfort.  The morning Michael, Mariah and Emma headed to the airport, leaving their blessed family, I got up early, and did what every Auntie does.  I made coffee.  I couldn't tell you what all was sent with my people on that dark morning, so early, but I do know it was a labor of love.  Wait!  Wait!  Emma left her hat.  Aaaahhhh...Emma left her hat.  Made this Auntie smile and bow her head in thankfulness.  She'll be back.

The picture of the dog wearing Emma's sunglasses told me that her glasses were left behind, at Grammy's.  Left at a place where this little girl has such sweet, special ties.  Left at a place where the memories are forming and the heart is growing attached.  Left at a place she feels nurtured, loved and safe.  Left to return to. 

Mariah always left something in Scott Valley.  Something to return to.  Generational.  Don't worry Grammy, she'll be back!